The ramblers and day-trippers always run away from me,
all I want is to offer them tea and French fancies, that’s all!
My incredible beauty must be startling as I run towards them,
in this gorgeous second hand wedding dress and haystack wig.
My name is her royal highness empress Martin Antoinette,
and welcome to my humble home, the Cave de Versailles!
You might be pondering on how such a spectacular creature
would end up here, in the derriere of nowhere in particular.
This was what my mind had been plotting for my demise,
as modern life took its toll on my nerves and my finances.
My wife’s relentless spending on credit, rising living costs,
shoddy modern products and services failing, costly repairs.
There is only so much fighting and arguing one man can do,
with someone who simply must have their own way regardless.
I finally just gave up, and let her do and spend what she wanted,
we ended up inescapably in debt, she then upped sticks and left me.
All in my name of course, my own fault, my phone rang off the hook,
Family and friends all turned their back on me, I was alone.
Perhaps throwing all our possessions out of the bedroom window
wasn’t a particularly lady like thing to do, but it had to be done.
I stripped myself of my life and ripped down all of the curtains!
Oh how I had longed to wipe my arse with those horrid ugly things!
Arms up and naked, I walked out into the street to meet the people,
“I am the Queen of France!” I cried, “I now must leave for Versailles!”
The shopkeeper of the local charity shop in town was awfully pushy,
“These jeans and this polo shirt would probably suit you better sir…”
Bless him the foolish peasant, that is no way to talk to a Queen!
However I do doubt he had ever met royalty before so I paid no heed.
The magnificent bridal gown in the window had captured my heart,
A little bit baggy I admit, but I can always get my seamstress to fix that!
I took his advice in the end and bought the jeans and the polo shirt,
A Queen, let alone one as beautiful as moi, can’t run around town nude!
I also didn’t want my subjects to mob me, so I put my dress in a bag
then headed out on the road, sleeping rough, walking, begging for change.
Some time away from the pressures of royal life would ground me in reality,
I headed from the city towards the countryside in search of my palace.
After many weeks of wandering and begging it finally occurred to me,
I didn’t actually know where I was going or how to get Versailles.
Once I had loaded up on food and trinkets (I needed a tea set!),
I perused the hills and valleys for a few long days and nights
before setting my eyes upon a lovely little spot with a small cave!
With a sparkling stream close by, oh how wonderful! How quaint!
So here I have made my home… I also made this simply darling pouf wig!
I set out the table for tea every single day, awaiting guests who never come.
Every week I change into those peasants clothes and go begging,
I always return with supplies; cakes, apples, vin de table de France.
Here I can be the real me, the most beautiful Queen the world has ever seen!
In this exquisite gown, twirling forever around the countryside.